Friday, November 20, 2009

bad day at black rock

The flooded basement with my red pajamas floating by.

Well it finally happened, the whole tower of lies came tumbling down. There I was at the library responsibly returning my library books checked out under an assumed name, one that you can assume is not mine, when this new Librarian who looked just like Ellie Mae Clampet, wearing one of those bumps as seen on t.v which is supposed to make your hair look thicker but in reality makes you look like you have a brain tumor, demanded I.D. I don't know why I did it. I could have refused, i could have lied, the only thing i can think is being a stay at home mom is dulling my bat-senses.

I gave her my real id. She looked it up and a stunned silence fell across the library. They called out the seventy or so librarians from the back to gaze in awe and rapt disapproval at the person with the biggest single library fine in the history of libraries. $110. American dollars.
I tried bafflement followed by shock and awe and finally my old standby towering outrage.
Nothing worked, it didn't help that we have suffered a flood in my house this week which broke the washer and dryer leaving me very few clothes. Sophie and I were dressed in clothes that would shame an Afghanni refugee. I was wearing an outfit that i thought would make me look sort of Audrey Hepburn but in reality makes me look like a rubenesque Where's Waldo and Sophie was dressed in too small tights the crotch only came up to her knees a too short knit dress and cowboy boots two sizes too large. I could not even employ the adorable daughter factor, as she picked this week to cut her own bangs to a length of two centimeters, which look just like goats have been chewing on her head and recovering from "hand foot and mouth" (a real disease, by the way, and 10 solid days of the swine flu).
She also pointed out that I could not pay my fines in the canned goods I was holding because the food drive was last month, I should have thrown the cheap canned pineapple at her head, I should have run but swine flu has left Sophie weak and the two big pink cowboy boots would have slowed her down. And if Sophie gets taken hostage over my library fines well that is just the kind of thing that puts Bob over the edge, a place he dwells anyway. So I paid ten dollars of my fine bringing it down to only $100 more dollars and exited the library setting off the theft detector. It was a very bad day. I hate all librarians now, not just the Cagney and Lacey wannabee that busted me today, maybe someone should look into why they employ 100 librarians in the library or did they send the bookmobile out to bring them in like a field trip kind of thing. Either way they should be nicer to me since I am paying all of their salaries.