I left something out of my favorite things, possibly because Sophie and I are playing Hostage-tea-party while I am trying to write. This is a game she made up. Picture you are taken hostage in Iran and are forced for hours to drink tiny, tepid cups of tap water against your will while you make small talk about your doll children and Curious George.
If you will scroll backwards to the "Hippest Mom" post, you will see a comment, or shall I say, rant by my friend, we will call her Bad, Bad Victoria Brown for the sake of anonymity. Anyway I have been trying to get her to write a blog for ever because she is so funny. She chooses not to because she is also selfish and bad.
Victoria is one of those annomoolies, a woman who is beautiful and funny. The funniness makes the beauty bearable and the fact that she doesn't appreciate that about herself. She looks and she hates this very much like Karen Walker on WIll and Grace, and even sounds like her. Look for her upcoming book, "English Beauty Queens I Have Known", and the sequel "Help, My Phone Is Bleeding". She lives in Virginia Beach and is currently raising a tiny Diva and a circus boy.
Picture actually has nothing to do with Bad, Bad Victoria, it's just one I like.
Victoria, Valerie is right: you should blog. You are really funny [I just read that comment 2 posts ago] !!!! I NEED funny in my life.so...c'mon....
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So that's why you sent another link to your site! As usual, you have managed to both deeply warm my heart and make fun of me in equal measure, making creating a response quite confusing. I suppose I should give back a mixed message such as "I will miss you SO much when you go straight to hell." I still haven't found other blogs written anonymously but listed on your site. I will go back to looking because I can't bear to ask you for help at this point. xx Seriously though, it was really kind what you said. It just goes to show that pathological liars need love too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Victoria, but your not a pathological liar all the time. Valerie
ReplyDeleteCommedian/pathological liar. Now THAT'S multitasking. Way to go Val!
ReplyDeleteYou totally admitted that I am one of your favorite things! You might not have meant to make that connection, because you skipped around in Iran for a while, but you most certainly did. I feel like Sandra Bullock in that Miss Congeniality Movie "you said you like me, you want to date me". If you haven't seen the movie, you are probably concerned about my mental health at this point. And right you should! I had to go to the galley (military base) today as part of my job of being their "representative". I had the chapel right before that. I have to wonder why they suddenly took the chapel away and assigned me a place that is really hot. Go figure. Anyway, that's not the point. Stay focused, Val, for God's sake! The point is that I was forced to wear a little white lunch lady hat. Ok, if they had pulled out hair nets, I would have just quit on the spot. I didn't even know what this guy was handing to me since it was folded up. I guess they think everyone knows their protocal. It looked like a very large maxi pad. I was about to respectfully decline, and asked if I was supposed to follow him (my guide). We were standing in a doorway with him holding this pad out to me. He had to spell out "You have to put this on." He even had to open it up some, because I was in disbelief and standing with a blank stare. It was demeaning and I found that I had the almost uncontrollable urge to walk up to strangers and ask if they wanted fries with that. Other than humiliating me, the guy was nice enough. Although he did walk entirely too fast. I pointed out his error with "obviously YOU are not wearing heels". I bet he hears that a lot. Maybe the hat was retaliation on his part....
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